


Hopelessly Devoted to You

by garconrouge



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Best Friends, Bittersweet, Canon Compliant, Childhood Friends, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Mental Health Issues, One-Sided Attraction, Past Character Death, Rare Pairings, Rejection, Short One Shot, Unrequited Love, but like, slightly ooc at the end but let me live, soft rejection, yes the title is cringey no i do not care
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-12
Updated: 2019-09-12
Packaged: 2020-10-17 04:54:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,237
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20615312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/garconrouge/pseuds/garconrouge
Summary: It was Jay. It had always been Jay.





	Hopelessly Devoted to You

**Author's Note:**

> Even though it will literally never happen, I will still always have a massive soft spot for Ben/Jay. This is the product of that. It's not anything really, just something I wrote to try and get back into the swing of writing, but i hope you enjoy it anyway.

It was Jay. It had always been Jay. No matter where he was, what he was doing, or who he was with- it was Jay that he was in love with.

He’d had other loves, and cared deeply for other people. He’d fallen madly for Paul, bright burning adoration stronger than anything he’d ever felt in his life. But once that had been torn away, stamped out by violence and hatred, Ben had felt empty. The feelings he’d held for Paul had eclipsed everything else in his life, had seemed to be the only thing that mattered in those moments- and so when he’d lost him, and that love had a recipient no longer, his heart felt empty. Ben found himself staring at the same patch of wall for days, never even feeling the will to move or eat. 

It had only ended because of Jay. Of course, it had to have been Jay. With calm words and a hand on Ben’s back, he brought him away from the emptiness he felt and towards some semblance of himself again. He made him food to eat, stayed on his bedroom floor to help him sleep, gave up so many hours and days to help Ben feel normal again.

It came back slowly, at first. Emotion. Feelings. Thoughts that were even a semblance of anything positive. Like the tide steadily coming in, happiness and joy returned to Ben’s life. It only intensified one day, a month or so after Paul’s death, when he managed to make Jay laugh. He’d heard his friend laugh near constantly over the years they had known each other, but this time it was like the surge that burst the riverbank. Ben’s stomach tied in knots and heat flared up the back of his neck as he watched Jay, unable to do anything but grin. It was the first time in so long that Ben had felt something so intensely. The love he’d always held for Jay had come back so strongly, an almighty tsunami washing him away. 

He had never stopped loving him, even while Paul was around. It had tempered, most definitely- but it had never gone away. He only had eyes for Paul, but still found his breath catching at the slightest touch from his best friend. Ben was sure he would never stop feeling this way. He never wanted to.

And it was Jay that was with him still, even now. Leaning over the countertop, the kettle in one hand as he poured boiling water into two cups of tea. There was a silence between them, but it was one filled with comfort and the ease of a near-lifelong friendship. They did not need to fill the room with meaningless words to keep themselves comfortable.

Jay handed Ben a mug of tea, and the two of them sat at opposite ends of the kitchen table, warming their hands while it was still too hot to drink. 

“Thank you,” Ben said, a burst of sincerity in what so far had been a fairly lighthearted evening. 

“It’s just a cup of tea, mate.” Jay said, leaning down to blow on his drink.

“No I mean… for everything. I’ve been a right mess these past few weeks. Don’t think I would have stayed around myself if I had the choice.”

“Yeah well, that’s what brothers are for, innit? Lookin’ after each other.” 

_ Brothers _ . Just thinking about the word put a bitter taste in Ben’s mouth. He hated the disdain he held for the terms of endearment he shared with Jay. They’d known each other for so long, been through so much together, that the bond between them  _ was _ like brotherhood. But it made Ben feel so guilty. If they were brothers, truly, then why did he feel this way? Why was it as if he couldn’t breathe whenever Jay walked into a room? Why was he so deeply, irrevocably in love with him? 

It felt like some form of betrayal. Jay saw him as a brother, and Ben was desperate for something so much deeper. And in that moment, hands warmed by the tea and fingers close to touching on the tabletop, he could do nothing but say exactly what was on his mind.

“I love you,” Ben murmured, bringing the mug towards his lips in a feeble attempt to hide the slightest hint of a smile on his face.

“I know. I love you too, mate.”

“No, I mean… I love you. Like proper love. I always have.”

There was silence for a moment, before a slow nod. Jay knew. Of course he knew. How could he not, when he’d spent all of his formative years with the man in front of him, seen him almost every day for nearly half his life. Could read his anger, sadness, adoration from even the slightest expression.And even if he couldn’t- Ben had never been particularly subtle about it. He’d tried to kiss him once, his brain a mess and thoughts impossible to process. Ben had misread every signal Jay had sent out so badly, and it crushed his heart when Jay pulled away so quickly and told him, in a stern voice, _ “sort your head out.”  _

Jay had barely mentioned it afterwards. Hadn’t for a very long time, now. There had been no need- once Ben had started to be honest with everyone around him about who he was, there was no reason for Jay to pester him about telling the truth. It hurt, in a way. Ben almost  _ wanted  _ Jay to talk about it, if only for Ben to know that it had actually happened. On the other hand, any discussion about the swift rejection of his advances would likely be embarrassing at best. 

“I don’t like seeing you hurt, Ben,” Jay said, voice soft and quiet between them. His hands were fiddling with the mug. “But you know I’m- I can’t feel the same way. Not ever.”

“I know,” Ben lamented, bringing his hands and the mug back down to the table. “I just… can't help how I feel.”

“Neither can I,” Jay agreed. He took a pause, moving his hands from around his mug, and resting them over Ben’s. 

“You’re my best mate, right? We’ve been through everything together. And I can’t be what you want me to be, but that don’t have to be a bad thing. You deserve someone great, Ben. Someone who knows how to help you, how to pick you back up after you’ve had a bad day-”

“But that’s  _ you _ , Jay-”

“Someone who can feel the same way. Someone who  _ does. _ You deserve someone who loves you, Ben, as more than just a brother.” Jay stood, grabbing his mug from the table and walking towards Ben slowly. He ran a hand through the unruly mess that Ben called his hair as of late, pushing the strands away from his face. 

“It won’t hurt forever,” he said, rubbing his thumb on his cheek lightly. Jay pressed a kiss to Ben’s forehead, before leaving the room without another word. Ben’s cheeks burned scarlet as he left.

He hoped that Jay was right. Hoped that one day he could get over him, and find somebody to love who could love him back in equal measure. Because for now, his heart ached- both for Jay and for Paul- and he struggled to see the possibility of ever loving anybody else.


End file.
